It blows my mind sometimes, how I somehow forget this detail and get caught up in whatever my life may consist of in that moment. I forget that life changes and I am changing. This self-imposed mental prison I place myself in, is merely a fiction of my imagination. wow, that came out a little more existential than I meant it to. In other, simpler words, I am not stuck. I hold the power to decided if I am stuck or not, and I am only as stuck as I make myself be. Whether it’s my job, or health, or living situation, whatever it is. The anxiety associated with these unchangeable factor’s stem from the idea that even if I wanted to escape, I couldn’t. Then it hit me…
Somewhere along the way I forgot how to be in love with life. I got stuck, not unreasonably so. I forgot how a cool breeze can carry stress away along with the specks of dusts you see floating in the golden afternoon sun. I forgot how re-charging a ray of sun can feel, if I simply stop for 10 seconds, and freeze the noise. The feeling of falling in love with my husband to be, as if for the very first time. I forgot to “find my geiger” which is code for finding a place and time that is considered getting away from everything bad in the world and finding peace. I forgot how great it felt to have my mother nearby, how healing that could be, how it feels to sip an amazing cup of tea, to bite into a gingerbread scone. I forgot so many things, and along with that, I forgot how to feel free, how to feel joy, not just happiness. I got lost. I forgot to take care of myself.
My circumstances may never change. I may never have a period in my life when I’m not fighting the battle of my life. There are scary things that now Josiah and I will fight together, real things. But I will not let it defeat me. I will not let it swallow me whole. I will not let myself stay stuck. and when I fail, which is undoubtedly will, I will get back up. I will keep fighting to continue to fall in love with life.
I am constantly changing, I am never stuck.
close your eyes, take a deep breath, and slowly let go of all your fears. There is a God who loves you so, who gives everything for you. You are loved, you are cared for, you are safe,
you are free.
you spent the previous night staying up till 3 with your best friend watching Wreck It Ralph eating crackers and cookies. Win. Also because COFEE.
I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.
-Louisa May Alcott”
So it’s been the 4th day of the challenge so far. There have been some wins and some losses. So here is my account of the last few days:
I went to Sonic for lunch. I definitely am realizing how much I’m gonna have to work on NOT doing that anymore (or as much). Regardless, it was lunch with a friend that amounted to a total of $4.95. I’m going to revert back to cooking for myself in bulk so I can have a few days of reheating lunch to feed myself. When saving money is a priority, sometimes you have to sacrifice some time along with it. Lesson currently being learned. I also spent $20 in putting gas in my car since it seems to be awfully thirsty.
Total Money Left: (drumroll please) $206 dollars.
Thursday AND Friday
Let me tell you, knowing you have to be accountable for the money spent makes you do a double take before you hand those bills over to the cashier. I knew pastries and coffee were a weakness for me so I had a bit of free time on my hands on thursday and baked!
I made pumpkin bread and chocolate chip scones, all from ingredients I already had at home! I brought one to my coffee shop and brought bagged tea that the same coffee shop put in a cup of (free) hot water. I sometimes do feel bad about mooching off of coffee shops but I go in enough times during the week *cough*every day*cough* that every now and then I can not buy something.
So for these two days……I SPENT NO MONEY! meaning….
Money Left: $206!
and the challenge continues.
Okay. Largely due to my coming graduation from college and the fact that I’ve been paying rent now for over a year, understandably, money has been on my mind. Money, and the lack of money. So it’s March 5th and here is my next personal challenge:
For the remainder of this month of March, I’m going to attempt to spend the least amount of money as possible. I want to create a habit of not thinking I’m NEEDING what I actually just am WANTING. Let’s be honest, most of the time I get fast food is because I’m just lazy and don’t want to cook. Well, not this month. I am T-minus 2 months until I graduate and this is the month to experiment. Here’s how this will work:
Every month I have allocated myself $650 for my monthly expenses. I ALWAYS run out of money before the month is up. Always. I do ocassionally come into money that my parents or family will send me. But give or take this is the money I’m working with. I’m going to post daily what I spend on here as a form of accountability.
The goal? End the month with money left. Can I live on $650 dollars this month? Here’s goes.
Tuesday, March 5th, 2013
I paid my rent and bills, spent $6.50 at a thift store, and cannot remember how much I paid for lunch at Arby’s today (see! this is why I’m doing this. You can assume I didn’t save the receipt either…) I also bought coffee and a pastry at Pour Jons…I also got gas my poor little car desperately needed (that part was necessary), And a haircut I also had been waiting for this month’s money to come in on. So a couple necessary expenses but a lot of unnecessary ones.
Money Left: $251
This little excursion into financial wisdom has begun!
I do. Like right now, when I’m sitting outside my professor’s door unsuccessfully trying not to cry. Because it’s a monday, I can’t get my paper done, because of so much more, and right now I’m not tough, I’m crying.